I go to school. Everyone in class is still bright and carefree, ignoring the entrance exams. He, whom I want to talk to, studies silently. A moment before bed is consumed by short videos. My mind is filled with memories of him. The night of our school trip was empty. I wanted to talk, just as he did. Since then, he has thrown himself into studying... Graduation is just six months away. Subscriptions cost one to two thousand yen a month. Fans spend tens of thousands. But surprisingly, I’m not using them much, and I’m getting bored with the videos. Still, for just five seconds, I can latch onto new information. Those five seconds might be the limit of my current concentration. Job changes and love are the same; it's all about language. "If there's a good encounter..." Everyone, when was the last time you met someone new? When was the last time you spoke honestly? When was the last time you got hurt or were turned down? Now that diversity has become a common term, it should be "anything goes," so why is it so hard to live? Why can’t I find someone to talk to about my hurts? Recently, I saw the phrase "Japan is becoming a slum" on YouTube. Teachers filming secretly, drug incidents at universities. Stories that seem like urban legends are making the news. "Isn’t that guy doing a shady part-time job?" We joke about it at drinking parties. Even in commercials and posts on X (formerly Twitter), police warnings and ads for lucrative part-time jobs alternate. I can’t tell which is real and which is false. "Absolutely" or "you’re losing out." That "confident woman" in short video ads – I wonder what kind of agreement allows her to be featured? The reason for going to university, the reason for getting a job. I recently learned that no one is thinking deeply about it.
When the alcohol starts to kick in, it's "I want to earn easily!" In a serious tone, "I don't want to get involved in troublesome things." That’s something someone says, yet no one really does. People say they're not good at deep conversations, but perhaps it's simply because "they've never been asked." Those who are good at navigating life don’t say unnecessary things. Yet, I think there are many who have moved forward not knowing what they want to say. It's not bad to be "in the dark." But it’s a little lonely that pretending not to feel has become the norm. Do you have a secret account? Even if you don’t, I feel there’s a secret spot somewhere in your heart. You throw vague anxieties into a nameless space. Honestly, I think it’s okay for posts that don’t need to be found by anyone. I’ve seen posts that make you wonder, “Is this person okay?” getting a flood of likes and replies. I wonder what happened to that person afterwards. Classmates, colleagues, siblings. Isn’t there someone who has gradually become distant? That person you talked to in DMs. The one from the matching app who said, “Let’s meet.” Whether it faded away naturally or you pretended not to notice, it's unclear. When your heart feels like it’s about to break, can you think of someone to ask for help? Will that person truly face you? "There’s no right answer" or "It’s a win if you just do it" — stock trading for Fire! Going viral with vertical videos to turn your life around! Creating videos using AI for ad revenue! Is that okay? "If you don't earn, you can't do what you want, right?!" Yeah... I wonder how to respond, it’s too logical and a double-edged sword! Why is supporting your favorites so enjoyable? Why are workplaces and schools so boring? Secret accounts are fun. Public accounts require caution. Speaking of which, when was the last time I "did my best"? Did I ever think it through? Since I haven’t had deep conversations, I can’t recall. If I block it, I can always recreate my secret account. But anxieties will always come back, no matter how many times I delete them, my heart remains there. And again, I seek solace in my favorites. Because they are profoundly precious... A world without right answers? It’s a win if you just do it? I can do what I want after I earn it? Even so, I believe there is a correct answer.
The day I felt an incongruence with my own "gender." The words "it should be like this" and someone’s gaze were suffocating that night. But someone's work, their expression, saved me. What I conveyed came back to me. "Ah, it’s okay to be like this." That’s why I continue my activities. I believe these words can become someone’s "awakening" or "salvation." Clumsily finding a compromise, yet still moving forward.
you are surely not alone.